I hope it comes out alright for you in the end

;)

Well, I’ve always been half-assed, now I have an excuse

No, you misunderstood. Squirrels are superheroes.

I know, you doubt me because look at all the bad stuff in the world. But imagine how bad it would be without them.

True story incoming!

Back maybe fifteen years ago, me and my best friend were out in the yard putting down pavers for a little shady nook under a giant oak.

A squirrel was furious at us for doing so, and kept up its tirade at us for hours, literally. Like, it started up when we did and didn’t stop even while we took a break a few hours in to rehydrate and have a snack.

It gets around three or four in the afternoon, and the most gods-awful racket kicks up. This fucking squirrel has gone nuts and is doing its screech/chitter/scream up and down a limb. The thing was apoplectic with rage that we dared sit down again under its tree. We’re kinda debating whether or not our plan was a good one with a neighbor like that, but we sure as hell aren’t moving those pavers elsewhere.

The noises spike, and then there’s an increase in volume followed by a plop as this fucking crazy rodent lands right in between us. Now, this was no superhero landing, the little bugger laid there for a good thirty seconds, and I thought it was dead.

We’re shocked, and I finally start moving to check on it, grabbing my cane to poke it before I get near with a hand.

Squirrel Nutkase there flips the fuck out as soon as he gets touched. Does this triple backflip with a gainer and a barrel roll, just twisting through six dimensions at once before landing on all fours, with its tail straight out and up, looking like it’s about to launch itself into light speed.

Which it does. Right up my fucking cane, onto my arm, up and over my shoulder. I’m thinking that it will make a hilarious obituary that I died by squirrel attack, but the little bugger launches off again onto the tree and proceeds to call my mama all kinds of things. Well, I assume that’s what it was saying since it was shaking in rage and shock while it made the most horrid sounds.

So, it’s called “the gay cowboy caught a disease in england at a barber shop, went to Easter Island where he begged to suck a dick on the down low, but it killed the guy so he hid the body in a cornucopia under tent, the horny little devil” disease?

You know, my wife had something similar happen.

Years ago, she fell in love with a unique parrot at a pet store. The shop owner talked her into buying it by showing all the tricks it could do. It had the usual, like “sing pretty”, “step up” and the like, but its best trick was biting things. The shop owner held out a broomstick and said “crunch bird, broomstick”, and the bird flies let and snaps the stick square in two.

So, this wonderful woman of mine spends two grand on the bird, plus extras for the gear it needs.

She brings it home, and has it biting all the things. “Crunch bird, coconut.” “Crunch bird, can of soup.” 'Crunch bird, bricks." Just everything she could get this ugly, giant bird to bite.

I come home and there’s crunched up crap all over the house and I ask her what the fuck happened. She introduces the bird, says his name is Harvey, and he’s a crunch bird. I’m furious, and say “crunch bird, my ass!”.

I mean, it really is the only thing left

Columbian gold, Texas snow

No, no, they were just from Liverpool.

I’d say the smell is closer to turpentine or maybe kerosene

Raw milk does usually make better cheese, sadly.

Nah, the owners of the company are batshit

No expandable memory, that’s the unforgivable sin.

But the form factor is unwieldy, no headphone jack, software dependent cameras, meh battery life, barely acceptable actual call quality as regards voice clarity, mid tier audio as regards music.

Now, the rest of the hardware isn’t bad on any given model compared to similarly priced phones. They use good glass, the radios all work well, and the processors are usually good picks.

I haven’t had a chance to fuck around with every model year. But they have consistently been a disappointment with call quality on the ones I’ve used, and the ones other people have used that I spoke to over a phone. That’s pretty damn bad by itself. Not so bad as to be unusable, but we’re talking having to pay attention closely in the worst cases.

Yeah, it’s the real barrier to graphene for me. Pixels kinda suck as a primary device.

Some fiction authors do this, and it is a fairly popular thing among fans

What, you prefer vegemite for your yeasty goodness?

For real though, it took ages for either to be available here. It might have gotten to big cities sooner, but I only got to try either last year.

First taste was horrible because my silly American ass took a small spoonful right from the jar.

But either vegemite or marmite, if you treat them like an ingredient, or a spread are amazing. But we’re talking dabs the size of a pea or two spread across toast then lightly buttered, or the same amount to a big bowl of noodles or the equivalent.

It’s as deeply flavorful as something like fish sauce, mushrooms, etc, all the usual umami bombs, but it comes with that extra rich yeast flavor that’s somewhere like a mix of cheese and malt syrup. Marmite also has a hint of what makes pot likker from greens so damn amazing, where vegemite runs more towards a more metallic twang.

The key is to go sparing, and add by tiny amounts since the threshold between amazing and “what the fuck did I do to my mouth” is so small. Like, if you cut a pea into quarters, that’s the kind of increments you want because even one too many of those size bits can be too much.

Gods, the taste of marmite on toast used to sop up egg yolk? I’ve had sex that isn’t that good.

Put that pea sized amount in something like a pot of chili, or a beef stew, and you don’t really recognize what changed if you aren’t aware, but you notice the extra depth of flavor.

I can’t really say either vegemite or marmite is better, but I prefer marmite as a spread overall. Vegemite stays too thick, so you get the texture of it competing with the bread texture. The flavor is great, but the texture is kinda gummy instead of that thick, syrupy liquidity or marmite

Hey, I’m American, I don’t have to take a side in the war between them lol

yeast gang for life! All y’all algal bloomers is whack!

No lie, I love yeast.

Sourdough, other baking, nutritional/flake yeast, vegemite and marmite, it’s amazing how one teeny tiny little thing can start reproducing and burping and feed us so well, while being incredibly yummy.

Then there’s every ethanol containing beverage, which isn’t exactly my favorite yeast product, but look at all it can do! And it can be used as fuel, so there’s that.

They’re everywhere, and that’s so damn cool. Plus, have you seen the sexy little buggers in a microscope? Just wiggling around all naked, getting it on with sugars and reproducing for our pleasure. I mean, who can blame humans for being aroused by yeast sex!

Look people. This is life now. We could rise up and put all these motherfuckers out of our misery, but nobody is willing to handle business

I hope you’re happy. My brain is melting out my nose after reading that.