There’s a character I didn’t play for very long that I’d like to play again.

A cleric, but when asked who his deity is, he’s pretty cagey. Maybe answers under his breath and coughs over his answer so no one can understand the answer.

He introduces himself as “Pope Hypatious Constantine Driac”. (“Pope Driac” for short.) But every time he is referred to by his title, he corrects them, reducing the importance of his position. “Actually, call me cardinal. That’s more accurate.” “Archbishop, actually.” “Did I say ‘arch’-bishop? I meant regular bishop. Ha! Silly me.”

He has terrible hygeine. And he’s always got a runny nose that he’s always wiping with his bare hand. And that’s particularly gross because he keeps giving people blessings with a gesture that’s basically palming (like one might palm a basketball) people’s faces with a “bless you my child.”

His secret? He’s an adherent of a secretive cult dedicated to a god(dess?) of disease/infirmity/plague/sickness. Everything from head-colds to typhoid are sacriments which he believes brings people closer to his god. He actively tries to convert people to his faith, but he believes only an illness (temporary or permanent) may truly convert one, so he’s always trying to get others (including enemies while in the heat of battle) sick.

He does know all the healing spells. His order practices by repeatedly infecting themselves with the sickness of the week (bubonic plague, leprosy, maybe this week I’ll try influenza) and bringing themselves close to death. But their god isn’t a god of death or suicide or necromancy, so they can’t have their adherents dying all over the place. They heal their sickness with typical good-aligned-cleric sort of spells soon before death.

Optimally, he’d get spells that allowed him to infect people, but failing that, he could just collect samples of infected stuff in little vials over time. A flake of dead skin from someone with leprosy here. A smallpox-laden scrap of cloth there.

Last time I played him (not in D&D, but rather Lamentations of the Flame Princess), he had a blowgun. And his left arm was traumatically amputated in one of his first combat encounters. He saved the arm in his pack. Right as the next encounter (with lizardmen, I think) started, he said “wait!” in a commanding voice. He promised to show the enemy something grand and wonderful if they’d only give him a minute to show them. He rolled high on his persuasion roll. He withdrew his arm (now quite rotten and gross) from his pack, stabbed it a bunch of times with several darts, and then shot a lizardman with a gross dart with his blowgun. (You have to imagine him doing all this one-handed too. Lol.) Of course, at that point, the combat was back in full swing, but Driac had accomplished what he’d set out to. And of course, the party was all going “what the actual fuck…?”

So, back to the name. “Hypatius Constantine Driac.” It’s a play on “hypochondriac.” No one I played with ever guessed my character was any sort of “plague priest” or whatever. But then again, I didn’t get to play him for very long.

Chalupacabra.¡Weeeiiiiishhhhhhppooowww!

I wanted to be a helpful, inquisitive Chocobo warrior who can’t speak because I’m a Chocobo.

A woman.

I might be trans

The four characters who, without the players knowledge are representing the 4 Riders. Conquest Paladin as War, Spore Druid as Plague, Grave Domain Cleric as Death and Astral Self Monk as Hunger.

A Tabaxi drunken master Monk / awakened? Mystic who makes everyone think he’s a bumbling idiot while actually controlling the battlefield and subtly manipulating the minds of the people around him. In short, Darth Jar Jar (but not necessarily evil).

(I came up with the idea back when the UA referenced were new; I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s a better/more official way to construct the character now.)

A kind, bumbling entertainer who had to go travelling after he accidentally dropped what he thought was a prop sword through the chest of a noble. He never means to hurt anyone, but he keeps slipping in battle and hitting their vital organs. It’s just an accident. He’s definitely not doing it on purpose. (In reality, he’s an assassin with an elaborate cover story)

A 900 year old elf, which is really old, even for elves. He’s a forest guardian looking for allies, but everyone just assumes he’s a crazy old man. His entire backstory is a pun I refuse to tell, or even set up, until I get to play him.

A man who always wanted to be a bard, but was unable to use magic until he slept with a groupie and she became his stalker. She watches him, sends him messages, and even gives him weird gifts. In case it’s not clear, he is an archfey warlock.

A powerful wizard from another world. Sadly, magic works differently here, and he couldn’t get used to the change. He is trying, but in the meantime, he needs to pay the bills. Hitting stuff still works the same, so he’s a fighter with aims of being an eldritch knight. And he uses a flail he painted red that he calls a fireball.

A character that has all the cringe edgelord hallmarks- black leather clothes, gravely Batman voice, “I work alone” attitude- except he’s a clumsy dwarf that’s more or less cosplaying as The Crow and is forced, despite his demeanor to be a team player. Some day Darkbeard Grimblade will get his chance.

Paladin who’s just a very devoted low level civil servant, inspired by that time I was a poll worker and that other time I almost worked for the census before COVID fucked everything up

A character with ADD who is lvl 2 in every class.

I really want to be a very intelligent, low strength Orc Barbarian who is extremely fragile about feats of strength, showing off, etc. And embarrassed about being perceptive/intelligent

I had this character in mind for years and finally took him for a spin a little bit ago.

(Half)-orc slaver/taskmaster. Bard who cracks a whip as his instrument, shouting orders to the party while casting buff spells.

“Murkub shoves the barbarian towards the enemies and yells ‘get in there, you coward’, casting Heroism with the touch.”

Thinks he’s the party leader, but has 8 INT and almost always has to rely on his “thralls” (the rest of the party) to figure out what to do next. My way of playing such a domineering character without actually taking over the whole table’s fun.

“REJOICE, FOR YOU HAVE BEEN SUBSUMED INTO THE WAR BAND OF MURKUB THE HERALD! GROVEL AT MY FEET, THRALL, AND I MAY YET ALLOW YOU TO SERVE ME IN MY QUEST FOR RICHES AND GLORY!”

-My character’s introduction to the other characters, and also his first words to the boss at the end of the dungeon (casting confusion with the monologue)

A mortal warlock whose adopted dad is his great old one patron. He was meant to be a “standard first-born contract” but the eldritch being took a liking to him for what-ever reason. He has no idea when he was born because time is whatever dad wants it to be in his realm - I image him being centuries or maybe millennia old based on mortal time. But for him about 20 years have passed and he finally gets permission to go to the material planes for a gap year.

His brain would be really broken.

Not DnD per se, but Pathfinder. I have several ideas in my back pocket haha.

• Granny cloistered cleric, war priest, or life witch. She’s an absolute mama bear who lost her son who was also an adventurer, and decided that no other parent should go through that. So she falls in with a little group and makes it her duty to keep them safe.

• Pixie runic barbarian. I haven’t totally looked into this, but I think that would allow the pixie to use a runic weapon that’s a normal size so potentially the pixie wouldn’t have to be in the same place or not be able to flank.

• Oread kineticist focusing only on Earth.

• Starlit span magus